*These started out as little notes on post its, but getting them all on here was a bitch. If you want the actual view of the note card, you’re gonna have to wait for the book. #SorryNotSorry
“Give me a moment”, he said.”I think I might cry.”
“Then cry”, she whispered. “I want your vulnerability.”
And he wept
while she held his hand.
Together, they slayed the dragon.
Come to me and touch my soul. See me on both the messy days and the ones where I command the room. Be close enough to catch me when I fall or to clap when I take my bow. Hold my hand and walk me through the scary days and smile with pride at my little accomplishments. Be proud of me for just getting out of bed on days when hiding from you is all I want to do, and believe in me when I tell you that today I will conquer the whole world.
The world is a vast and scary place when you are searching for significance. So many people reaching for pieces they never intend to give back. I have long-since realized that in order to be loved the way my soul desires love, I must first come to a place of wholeness. Getting the little pieces back requires me to turn within and to regenerate myself so that I may not steal pieces from others. Like a tree in the spring, I must find a way to grow new leaves in order to be all that I was intended to be.
The soul is unwavering in its search for significance. It knows what it wants from morning into the night. So closely aligned with your heart, it seeks those who can nourish it but it can really only be nourished from the inside.
It grabs me sometimes, right around the throat, as if it knows I see a way to break free into my own vulnerability and strength. It sneaks up behind me and it wraps its gnarly fingers in my hair and it reminds me that being vulnerable is how you get yourself hurt. It whispers in my ear that no one will love me if they see me like this so its better to just go away and hide until the sunshine peeks through and the smile slowly appears. It’s my own personal dark angel, my constant late-night companion, my ever-present quiet reminder that I will always be standing on the outside looking in, waiting for someone to motion to me but being too afraid to travel to the land outside my fear.
Out of the blue it was you and my heart skipped a beat because I didn’t know which you it would be.
My fantasy started the minute I believed the past was in the past. Each step I took forward was one where it dragged me back three.
I finally woke up and realized that intensity is not the same as intimacy. I will no longer be anyone’s dopamine joyride.
You never got to hold the WHOLE ME. You were always showing up as my world was falling apart. Maybe you liked to rescue me but all I wanted was to show up for you all together and whole.
I am both a force to be reckoned with and a soft blanket on a cloudy day.
His rage was meant to silence her but all it did was give her back her voice.
You can love and let go at the same time. There doesn’t need to be a great divide.
i do not take for granted any moment we spent together. i do not regret any moment we spent apart. i have long-since come to understand my responsibility to your soul and know it is a life time penance i must endure.
i am both fierce and soft. Loving me requires you to shift accordingly to the person i present each day. i am not easy to love, but i love easily. my only wish is to be given the chance to simply be myself and to be loved for the tangled mess that is me.
i am enough without you. i am whole without your arms around me, without your lips on mine, without the constant false adoration. but that doesn’t mean i don’t miss you on days it rains or days i take a drive to the access point of my soul. i can miss you in the spaces where city and country come to divide the worlds, when the wind is still and the water produces no waves.
you loved me with such fierce passion when i was broken but, as i healed, you fought like hell to break me again as if my healing was a mirror you’d have to face and realize my brokenness was partially because of you.
i wanted to be the one to capture and hold your attention forever, but the more i sought stability the more you shook my foundation. it all crumbled before i got a chance to seal the cracks.
I am stronger than I realized after I was finally free. I was able to easily step into my life without the shadow of the version of me you created. I am free of your fantasy, of your unwellness, of your lies. Free.